The Journey of Unlocking My Voice

I started realising my voice was blocked around 10 years ago, when I started taking singing as a way of life; as a way of being. I’ve always sang, but never imagined I could ever be a professional singer. I never thought singing would be something more than a dream that one day might come true. 

The calling was so strong, I decided to take formal singing lessons. None of the lessons I was taking felt like they were helping me. Not because there was something wrong with the teacher, but because I didn’t like the sound of my voice. Despite my teacher telling me I had a beautiful voice, I simply couldn’t believe it. I knew there was something missing, but I didn’t know what.

In 2015, I took a year off my normal life in England to go back to Venezuela and take care of my mum, who sadly was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I needed to be there to spend those final moments with her. I didn’t know how long she would last in that state of coma. Sometimes it seemed like she was leaving us; some others like she was staying indefinitely in that state. I needed a break from nursing her 24/7,  so I joined a proper music school in Caracas, a city for great musicians to brew and flourish. I didn’t join that school just to become a musician, but because the school was completely focused on the voice and the development of the voice as an instrument. Like any other instrument - it needs practice to reach perfect tuning and level of skill. It was what I’ve been looking for. A place that was focused on the voice, where I could learn to embody the power of my voice through singing. 

When I started my music journey in 2015 and only had few months learning how to play the guitar and sing. Pic credit: Orlando Herrera @orlando.herrera

The days where I was going to music school, I could have a respite from being my mum’s nurse. I felt really inspired by all the talented musicians I was meeting and how I started discovering myself through singing. I was daring. I would take risks and challenges; even when I wasn’t nowhere near close to where I wanted to be as a singer. We had all sorts of modules that combined with the singing techniques would encompass the use of the body as the instrument, rather than just the vocal folds. One of the modules was called ‘Corporal Expression’: a combination between theatre techniques and vocal projection. For this module,  we developed a performance that invited the audience to interact with us through prompts we have written and placed in us as signs. One of the signs I had, it said: “come closer, more, more more…” which invited the audience to come to me as near me as possible; inviting touch and dance to the scene. The performance was a success and I loved it. The reflective discussion brought up my first trauma release. I cried and cried without really knowing why, though deep inside of me I knew it was related to being touched and how uncomforable this felt for me.

Completion of a Song-writing workshop with the great Venezuelan singer songwriters Alejandro Zavala, Henri Martinez and Luis Alfonso at the Contemporary School of the Voice (Escuela Contemporanea de la Voz) in Caracas -Venezuela.

A few months after my mum died and I had finished two trimesters of my music studies, I decided to come back to England. I would have loved to stay in Venezuela but the situation there was rapidly deteriorating and I had no other choice than to leave again if I wanted to keep developing and progressing in my life. I have the privilege of being able to live in Europe due to my Spanish heritage; so it is a great opportunity to be here, acquiring skills and ancient knowledge that I wouldn’t have if I had stayed in Venezuela. When I came back to England, I started studying Creative Arts Therapies (CATS). Something really deep called me to focus on those studies rather than solely studying music. I love psychology and healing myself through art sounded quite appealing. What I didn’t know then was that I was looking for ways to heal my trauma, which I wasn’t fully aware I had. 

Studying CATS started unlocking all the trauma that was trapped inside my body, especially in my voice. The arts find their way to your subconscious mind to unlock what’s hidden there. I experienced the difference between Art Therapy, Movement Therapy, Drama Therapy and Music Therapy by going through 6-weeks sessions of each module, like it would a client that undertakes that form of therapy. I was shattered. It was two years of intense training, not only learning facilitation skills of these modalities but also processing the release of every part of my trauma that got unlocked through these therapies. 

Graduation from Creative Art Therapies Studies, 2016. Me and my brother who came from Spain to the graduation ceremony.

How does trauma get released? 

It is different for everyone. In my case, I was feeling completely exhausted after most of the learning sessions and I started re-living the traumatic experience by being mirrored in my relationships. My voice started feeling quite constricted and I couldn’t speak like a normal person, which at points was limiting my life. The release comes in layers. The trauma doesn’t get unlocked at once. The body is very wise and it shows you what it can hold and process, one experience at a time, as it releases what no longer serves her.

The thing with unlocking trauma is that you cannot longer hold on to the coping mechanisms that were protecting you from seeing that the trauma was there in the first place. This is quite scary at the beginning, because your whole life your unconscious mind has been protecting you from seeing the painful truth you’re carrying within you and then, all of a sudden, you cannot hide that truth from yourself anymore. All the masks you used to wear to protect yourself from being mirrored your painful inner reality start to shatter. All your shields start breaking and you’re left with nothing but the truth. 

Behind the masks there’s a strong warrior woman that has carried me through the most difficult moments in my life.

My relationship with men started showing me that I had a sexual trauma - I didn’t feel completely safe when being touched. Sometimes penetration was painful or would trigger an intense emotional reaction or dissociation if it was too fast or too strong - I was attracting relationships that would trigger the wounds of abandonment, betrayal, rejection and were mirroring my need for validation from the masculine. All of this, while at the same time, my voice started becoming more and more constricted. I was trying to hide the problems with my voice, or pretend that it wasn’t happening. People were asking me “what’s wrong with your voice?”. I started missing important job opportunities because I couldn’t speak with confidence. I became more and more introverted as my voice started to break, because I didn’t want to be seen like a broken person. I started shutting down and shutting off when I was in social situations, avoiding speaking in large groups of people. I started spending more time on my own than not. 

Then I did a Masters in Creative Writing. This was the last piece of the puzzle, as it brought up another trauma that I wasn’t aware of; migration trauma. I left Venezuela 20 years ago and I have been adapting to living in different cultures ever since. I’ve learnt new languages. I changed my native slang to be understood by the local people from the cities I was living in. I have survived this adaptation and made my way, progressing up the ladder of each culture, completely on my own, without the aid of any family member. I had been carrying a heavy weight on my shoulders by not sharing with anyone how hard my life had been growing up in Venezuela. Not everything was horrible, I had many blessings too. I was fortunate to have received education and always have a roof over my head and food on the table. But the trauma stayed inside of me despite the blessings, and it only started coming up when I allowed the possibility of looking at it face to face.

Thankfully, I made really good friends along the way who became my new family and whose support has been pivotal in my expansion. If I hadn’t had that tending shoulder that held me in a crisis, or the generosity of many friends that lent me money when I was the most in need, I wouldn’t have survived. My siblings eventually moved to Europe and they have helped me as much as they could, within their own means, because they are also migrants and they have faced their own challenges. 

During the MA in Creative Writing, I wrote hundreds of poems about Venezuela; about the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, and how I was healing my relationship with men, by becoming aware of the toxic patterns I was getting entangled with. This was another step towards healing my voice, because I had the realization of the weight I was carrying by not speaking about all the painful things I had experienced throughout my life, that I had never shared with anyone. Speaking about them publicly, and then venturing to share my poems and songs in open mics, was the greatest catalyst to heal my voice. 

Graduation from MA in Creative Writing October 2021

My voice was blocked because I was silenced as a child. Being sexually abused, I was asked to keep it as a secret and threatened to death if I didn’t. I wanted the approval and love from my abusers - which were close family members that were meant to protect me - so my way to receive that love and validation was by staying silent. I never ever spoke about what happened to me. In fact, I still don’t have clear memories. But my body remembers and has shown it to me through the blockages I held in my voice and the toxic relationships I’ve had with men. 

The more layers I unlock the trauma out of my body, the more my voice unlocks and the brighter I shine. Talking about what happened to me has definitely been the main catalyst for healing. When we keep things locked inside of us, they pile up like a pressure cooker and start expressing their way out in ways that are unpleasant and painful: uncontrolled pent-up anger, waves of deep emotion that come out in unexpected ways, panic attacks, constant anxiety, worry and fears about the future. Inability to stay present and to connect with yourself and others. Wanting to evade the pain by numbing it through substances, relationships or toxic behaviours that create addiction. Addiction to substances that are detrimental to our mental and physical health, like alcohol, smoking or other hard drugs. Addiction to sex and relationships that are not healthy. Addiction to negative thought patterns, etc. 

If you have experienced any of the above, know that you are not alone and there are ways to find healing. Healing is possible and is what we’re meant to go through in this human experience. If you have resonated with any of my experiences and you feel you have a blockage in your voice that prevents you from expressing your true self - your authentic expression - know that this blockage will go away if you actively seek an outlet to your creativity, and you share your gifts with others. 

What helped me the most was challenging myself to be heard and seen. Go onto stages to share my songs and poems, speaking up about my experiences and how I’ve healed from the pain I’ve carried. Speaking up my truth, even if it goes against the majority, or the established path. I know that I chose the path less travelled and I’m ok with that. Facing the most painful wounds we carry within is not for everyone. It requires lots of courage and determination to heal and let go.

My first ever open mic in March 2019.

Singing has been the greatest tool for re-connecting with my voice and my true self. Writing has been another powerful way to outsource my experience, and to explore my creative expression. Doing morning pages, sharing my journey on this blog, writing songs and poems to share with others. 

The biggest accomplishment after healing all of this trauma has been to like and love the sound of my voice again. Despite its little breaks. Despite being out of tune at times. Despite still holding back my full power at points; I reclaimed the love towards my voice. I reclaimed the power of self-expression. I made peace with my trauma and I forgave myself and those who harmed me. The more I allow myself to release the pain that doesn’t serve me, the freer I become. The more I unlock myself free, the freer my voice gets.  

Speak up your truth. Don’t stay silent to injustices. Don’t stay silent to your own needs and desires. Express them without fear and develop self-respect by always following your truth. Your opinion matters. Your point of view is valuable. Your perspective can open minds. Your story weaves into other’s stories and can bring healing for those who need it. 

If you would like more tailored guidance towards unlocking your voice, get in touch with me and we’ll create a plan that is in alignment with your journey. You don’t need to be a singer to begin, though it is very likely that as you unlock your voice, you will be less afraid to sing.

Free your voice. You never know where it can take you…